Better With a Mop

There once was a goatmaiden, simple but pretty, who came to see the wizard under most distressing circumstances. She had made the four day walk to the castle in a little under seven days -- fine time for a one-footed dwarf -- and, per usual, pleaded for the wizard's assistance.

"Please, wise wizard," she genuflected, "please save our village from the marauding barbarians -- who murder and kidnap and lustfully force their large bodies upon us -- and also from temptation ..."

The wizard replied: "THIS I SHALL DO FOR YOU. FOR I AM THE GREAT GOZOOMBU!", his glowing, 60-foot disembodied head mugging heroically.

"Oh thank you!" pogo'd the goatmaiden, "I knew you would come to our aid!"

The wizard nodded.

"And please, wise wizard," she bowed, "please bring rain to our valley. The earth is but dust, our crops are withering away, and we haven't enough food for our people."

The wizard replied: "NO FEAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. FOR I AM THE GREAT GOZOOMBU!"

"Thank you thank you thank you!" she gushed, "all that has been said of you is true! You are a wise and benevolent wizard, a savior of our people!"

The wizard nodded.

The goatmaiden paused and, blushing, steadied herself for one last request.

"Wise wizard, I hesitate to even ask, but your powers seem boundless ..."

She drew a breath.

"Wise wizard, please find me a prince. My father is old and can no longer care for me, and my mother is beginning to wonder. For all our hardships, all that is missing from my life is the love of a brave and noble man."

The wizard replied: "NO."

" ... no?"

"NO. FOR I AM GARY THE JANITOR AND TOTALLY FUCKING WITH YOU!"

Bullshit Sampson

She asked me why I got into this business.

I told her "I want to make the world a better place. I think that the greatest impact can be had where the money is. With how people spend. With how companies earn."

I told her "because I'm a liar," and she didn't question it.