I'm having a hell of a time getting my neighbor to pay back the $50 I loaned him,

so I've started writing him checks for negative dollar amounts.

Been doooooooown so looooow,

the capitalized letter "I" makes me feel beeeeeeetter 'bout myseeeelf.

VO: Don LaFontaine

ON JUNE FIFTEENTH ...

SOMEBODY GONNA GET FIRED ...

The Golden Era of Mogwai Vaudeville: March 8th, 1921

Big Deal. You're Pregnant.

Just be glad it was me giving you such a sweet-ass little baby:

• I hardly ever cry.


• I sleep through the night.


• I'm rarely sick, but when I am, I can clearly articulate my symptoms and speculate as to their cause.


• My stool is firm and manageable.


• I love puréed vegetables.


• Put me in front of a TV and I'll pretty much be self-sufficient for hours.


• I'm not particularly curious about plastic bags.

snakes

Snakes are the most jealous of all class reptilia. Their shows of envy are well documented by men in hip waders. Among the scaly, moist, and slime-bearing, snakes are the most likely to throw a huff over your legs. Particularly of note is the average snake’s propensity to subject its prey to the silent treatment. All snakes want is a hug. Instead they dislodge their jaw and eat a marmoset. Snakes eat their feelings. One controversial study observed the behavior of a rattle snake in the company of a rattle-shaking baby. While little of scientific value came from this experiment, we can thank these intrepid researchers for the “NO SNAKES” policy at the Hampton Inn.

lovelorn astronaut makes 1,000 mile marathon drive in diapers, only two fill-ups

[real story more amusing]