Friday, December 29, 2006

Catalog

WondeRest 2000 (Double, Queen, King)

A best seller! Our patented column-controlled air coil mattress features two uniquely controlled SleepZones for maximum comfort. Adjust the mattress firmness with your personal SlumberNumber for a wonderful night's sleep. Soft mattress? Firm mattress? Have both!

WondeRest 3000 (Double, Queen, King)

All the amazing features of the WondeRest 2000, plus one additional SleepZone. Perfect for swingers.


rubed wrongly

"... which concludes the presentation. I'd like to sincerely thank the board for allowing me to present this short documentary of my work. You do me a great honor. Jason, could you please get the lights?"

"Of course Dr. Goldberg! ... um ... well ... sir, I can't find the switch ..."

"Jason, just startle the chicken on the waffle iron ... *sigh* ... interns ..."


Friday, December 22, 2006

Build-A-Bear Uses Child Labor, Investigation Confirms


Feds offered this image from an unspecified Build-A-Bear location. It shows two Hispanic minors knee-deep in snuggly fluff.

ST. LOUIS - Federal investigators today released evidence of child labor violations throughout the national Build-A-Bear franchise. According to a preliminary government report, the retail chain, known for its hand-made stuffed animals, endorses and encourages the use of children as young as two in its manufacturing operations.

Key findings from the 18 month investigation include evidence that:

  • Company documents, one entitled "It's All About the Kids", outline specific methods for attracting and retaining an underage workforce.
  • Individual factory floorplans are tailored almost exclusively to diminutive laborers; low countertops, station indicators in bright primary colors, and simple machinery facilitate their remarkable output (nearly 1 million bears in 2006).
  • Due to wage loopholes, a near total majority of Build-A-Bear's underage laborers work for free; most are even lured into arrangements where family members must pay a "ransom"to liberate their child from servitude.
Gloria Harmon, director of the investigation and federally appointed secretary of the Child Labor Prevention League, expressed deep concern that the violations are the most pervasive in recent U.S. history and fears that the ongoing investigation will uncover even more heinous violations.

"Build-A-Bear? I don't think so. From what I've seen, it's more like Build-A-Nightmare."

Developing ...


Busted

He had nothing to hide, and yet only felt comortable checking his email in private. At least, ever since the time she'd caught a glimpse of his inbox.

It was over meatloaf that her suspicion finally turned to accusation.

"Just WHO is this Trombone Pleasantry bitch and why is she so interested in enlarging your penis?!"


Thursday, December 14, 2006

And don't get him started about bunions.

Concerned Patient: "Please help me overcome my chronic bedwetting."

Helpful or Homicidal Doctor: "Here's an electric blanket."


Sunday, December 10, 2006

née Third Result

Though she eagerly accepted his proposal, Rosario wrinkled Esteban's pride with her refusal to take his name. But maldita, true love or not, she was unwilling to abandon her hard-earned Google ranking.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Survivors of the Crash


America is Awesome Because!

One of these guys will make sure this guy's wife can at least send their kids to college.


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