the envy of the shed

Bin Laden In Financial Trouble

PAKISTAN - International terrorist Osama Bin Laden filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy on Friday after a four-year string of unmitigated spending incurred overwhelming debt. Creditors claim the Al-Queda mastermind used his once massive personal holdings to fund a slew of extravagant and frivolous purchases, including jeweled automatic weapons, personal electronics, and collectable figurines.

Bin Laden, once reputed for his calculating demeanor, is said to have descended into the spending frenzy following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, which killed 2986 American civilians and military personnel.

"After Allah blessed our holy warriors in their strike against the twin towers, I thought I was a goner," said Bin Laden from an undisclosed location in rural Pakistan. "Surely the Americans would use their military, technological, and diplomatic might to track, capture, and imprison me within maybe three, four months tops. So I figured I might as well take advantage of what remaining freedom I had. Carpe diem, right?"

Bin Laden decided to quickly liquidate his assets before they could be frozen or confiscated through international injunction. After distributing lavish gifts to others involved in the September 11 attacks, he accumulated massive stockpiles of weapons and munitions for the impending American retaliation.

Bin Laden then broadened his spending to include luxuries he'd hitherto denied himself. High ranking Al-Queda operatives recall the Saudi native's fondness of 1980s hand-held LCD games.

"There was a real change Osama after our martyrs brought the towers down. He kept saying things like 'No can do on Koran study, fellas, I've got an eBay auction ending in an hour'. We were like, 'Who IS this guy?'"

As Bin Laden continued to rationalize his spending with the inevitability of his capture, he opened several lines of credit to accommodate his increasingly expensive tastes.

"After a raid on a cave system near the Afghan border, we discovered a cache of gold jewelry reported to belong to Bin Laden," said CIA agent Jack Gibson of the OBL Task Force. "And we have intelligence that he had custom-tailored one of those nude body stockings with the little diamonds all over it like the one Britney Spears wore on some MTV awards performance. That must've cost him a fortune."

Al-Queda lieutenant Mushif Abdul recalled the awkward crescendo of Bin Laden's spending. "Nawaf called him 'Bling Laden,' which was really funny, but we couldn't laugh for fear of having our still-beating hearts cut out of our chests just like Nawaf did."

The Saudi native voiced distressed surprise at his current financial situation.

"If I would have known I'd still be breathing the air as a free man four years after our holy mission, I might've done things differently. But who could have predicted I wouldn't have been captured? I mean, look how old and slow I am!"

Bin Laden remains under cautionary medical supervision for an ongoing heart condition, though doctors consider the potential effects of financial stress "insignificant" compared to his four-year all-pudding diet.

time to go to the dentist

Gabe was finding the whole situation distressing, spitting the excess lamb's blood into the sink and trying to recall another time that his brushing had elicited a ghostly, charging chorus of "SPIRITUS! ... SANCTUS! ... SPIRITUS! ... SANCTUS!"

merit of extinction

Honey, call Ving.

Voodoo schmoodoo. I mean, right?

Guys?

Outdoor Odds

• Attacked by shark - 1 in 10 million


• Mauled by bear, cougar - 1 in 9.1 million


• Stung fatally by hornet, wasp or bee - 1 in 5.9 million


• Poisoned by snake, scorpion - 1 in 3 million


• Mugged by orangutan - 1 in 800,000


• Lured into pyramid scheme by mollusk - 1 in 157,000


• Inconvenienced by wombat - 1 in 60,000


• Totally cut off by jackass - 1 in 8,900


• Operated on unneccesarily by woodpecker - 1 in 1000


• Punk'd by yeti - 1 in 330


• Raped by goose, swan - 1 in 75


• Photographed unflatteringly by giraffe - 1 in 12


• Hoodwinked by badger - 2 in 3

just yesterday

a more fearsome draft

"The Pentagon has drafted a revised doctrine for the use of nuclear weapons that envisions commanders requesting presidential approval to use them to preempt an attack by a nation or a terrorist group using weapons of mass destruction. The draft also includes the option of using nuclear arms to destroy known enemy stockpiles of nuclear, biological or chemical weapons."

arrangements

"And here's where you'll sleep. You've got a bunk bed, plus two twin beds. So I guess you'll have to fight over who's on top."

but chill bees, even

And if you do choose to visit, please remember to pack for chilly evenings. Horace was forced to borrow his father's purple sweatshirt and render California Raisin tunes an entire weekend.