Last Night In The Shit

OK, OK, OK, just stay cool and stay focused. Keep it together and you'll get through this. The Lieutenant knows what he's doing and wants to stay alive as much as you do. Just do your job and Charlie won't know what hit him. Not that I'd know what hit me -- I can't see a goddamn thing tonight. I'm gonna have VC in my boots before I pull the trigger. STOP IT. It's alright, just breathe slowly. Charlie's only 50 yards over that ridge, so stay focused and ... what the hell was that?

"AAAAAAAHH! BIG SNAKE!"

the box

As he was under incredible duress in choosing between two balanced, imperfect options, he chose Number 3: Become a fire truck.

"Was it loud?"

"Loud? Are you kidding me? This morning I was wearing a hat."

Why my ideas are never original.

I think there's a word for the sudden simultaneous (but seemingly unconnected) emergence of many instances of a single idea. For example, it took millions of years for humans to learn to make fire, but suddenly everybody was doing it. Does anybody know what the word is for that?

... and the living is easy

Farewell Mr. Buttle ... or was it Tuttle?

Traditionally, Catholic funerals are denied to the unbaptized (note that catechumens, including infants whose parents planned on having them baptized, are baptized by desire, and that martyrs are baptized by blood); infidels; heretics; suicides (unless they were of unsound mind or showed signs of repentance); notorious, unrepentant sinners; the excommunicated; the schismatic; those under ecclesiastical censure; those who, without remorse, have openly held the sacraments in contempt; and those who've directed that their bodies be cremated.

Nod // Apologia

800.PANTS.4.ME

knock knock

...

knock knock

"Pants Delivery! Hello?"

knock knock knock

"Is someone there?"

"Yeah, hello, pants delivery."

"I'm sorry?"

"Pants delivery!"

"Oh thank god. Just leave them on the front step. There's a twenty in the mailbox."

Guys, this is Allah: Seriously, fucking cut it out.

Dear Diary,

This is the most embarrassing day of my life!!! There I was on the tube, ready to carry out my holy duty against the infidels and their decadent public transportation system, when my detonator malfunctioned all over this really cute girl sitting across from me! It was awful! For a second she just stared at me like I was the biggest loser in the world, so I just ran out of there as fast as I could (I ended up nearly collapsing at Señor Salsa’s where I ate six churros like a big fat cow). I can’t even imagine the jokes I’m going to hear back at the mosque. I could just die.

Jay-Z and Lex Luthor take note!

Diving in the presence of great white sharks is incredibly hazardous. All divers featured in this documentary are trained professionals with years of experience.

Do not attempt this at home.

- Disclaimer preceeding the Discovery Channel's Great Whites: Uncaged

Paternity Bowl

Ultimately the sportswriters were split in their loyalties. While Raj Lorenzo's overall rushing statistics we marginally inferior to those of Gibbs, it was commonly argued that Lorenzo had been unfairly burdened by the NFL's crusade of moral-driven rulings in the league's 07 and 08 seasons. Lorenzo, the statistics recall, was required to carry onfield a whopping five illigitimate children in his atonement harness, to Gibbs' two.

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