To the Inventor

May your daughter lose a finger to the jagged edges of molded plastic security packaging.

Back, and to the left.

Tinfoil haberdasher Donald Rumsfeld donned a 10 gallon humdinger during his recent visit to Iraq, referring to 9-11's infamous flight 93 as having been "shot down" over Shanksville, PA. Despite reporter inquiries, Rumsfeld declined to elaborate, instead taking a pair of bloodied pliers to the transmitter in his molars.

Lemme see that loincloth!

Last-minute entry for Best Headline 2004 throws previous rankings out window, on hood of passing buick:

YMCA Chief Fired for Transgender Ball Flap

Red-nosed heat signature.

NORAD is again tracking Santa's yuletide sortie, but even with its $80 billion project budget still can't hit the f*cker.

Al Queda Wants Your Tig Ole Bitties

The TSA, with traveler comfort firmly in mind, has modified its patdown procedures for women by making the bazoonga valley off limits to screeners’ pervy fingers.

The new guidelines come in response to “groping” complaints from female passengers I think I may have dated, and aim to reduce the intrusiveness of screening methods in favor of the intrusiveness of white hot airplane parts.

The point, missed entirely.

Forgo the critique. Haggling over the price of art is really the preferred way to devalue it in front of its creator.

"It's nottaso good."

"...the star RC point guard's cautious condemnation of Christmas materialism was muffled to nothingness as the frail man-diety slowly disappeared within billowing folds of luxurious woven silks bejeweled with the most precious ornaments ever known to fucking mankind."

interossitor

Blessed be, this $80-a-month variety. Last evening, channel 145 presented a program entitled "Face Eating Tumor."

walk it off, private

The whole football team had turned out to support Hannity’s railing of the recent Rumsfeld Q&A “plant.” That reporters shouldn’t manipulate the news is a given, but there arose an odd tangent:

“We had to scrounge for parts too – that’s just a part of wartime.”
“We had to pull scrap from a junk yard in Danang. That’s just how it works.”
“They have to make due with what they’re given and just focus on their job.”

Did my ears deceive? Since when did saying “suck it up” become an element of our patriotic duty?

Were these the same patriots flaunting those “Support Our Troops” magnets on the back of their ironymobiles? The same patriots who plaster their vehicles with trite magnetic sentiments in such numbers as to outarmor the Humvees ultimately in question?

O, dread the day militants realize to fund their endeavors by selling fist-pumping Ameripatriotic drek!

From the "He's Not Innocent Yet" Department

Saddam lawyers 'not ready' for trial.

tricky's truth

"My sister and her husband share an email address, and they are boring."