Guys, this is Allah: Seriously, fucking cut it out.

Dear Diary,

This is the most embarrassing day of my life!!! There I was on the tube, ready to carry out my holy duty against the infidels and their decadent public transportation system, when my detonator malfunctioned all over this really cute girl sitting across from me! It was awful! For a second she just stared at me like I was the biggest loser in the world, so I just ran out of there as fast as I could (I ended up nearly collapsing at Señor Salsa’s where I ate six churros like a big fat cow). I can’t even imagine the jokes I’m going to hear back at the mosque. I could just die.