early retirement

"... for he's a jolly good feeeeeelloooooow, which nobody can deny!"

The noisy chorus of men succumbed to the percussive snaps of an AK-47. As silence fell, the most weather-worn of their bunch stepped forward, his blush apparent even under a heavy beard.

"Wow, guys, I really don't know what to say. I mean, Allah Akbar, obviously, but geez, you guys are the greatest. I'm proud of each and every one of you, and I'm going to miss you all. Man, we've had a great run, haven't we? Remember the jihads? Good times ...

As hard as it is, it's just that time in my life for me to move on. When your heart's not 100% in it, you know it's time to go. There are other things out there, you know? And now I'll finally have time to devote to my art.

But thank you for everything. The party, the volleyball equipment, everything. And Mustafa, the cake looks so amazing with those oversized novelty candles!

Wait a second ... those aren't oversized novelty candles ...

Oh, you jokers! C'mere!"